Have you ever noticed by far and wide the best way to speak to somebody is on the same level as them?
If you’ve ever had a conversation (either face to face or virtual) with somebody who believed themselves to be below you you will have noticed the difference.
It’s strange.
When you believe another person to be below you (in any way, shape, or form) you make that person feel uncomfortable.
This is not the same for everybody, of course. I’m sure many celebrities, for example, get used to it over the years. But that initial moment when fame struck, when the first leg of rapturous fans came running towards them to express their love… I think anybody would struggle to argue that that wouldn’t have made them feel uncomfortable.
It can happen in the most minor of ways as well. You may be the top athlete in “x” sport at your school. It’s likely other kids interested in “x” sport will look up to you and can’t help but believe themselves to be below you when they eventually pluck up the courage to speak with you.
Why is this?
Have you ever done anything—anything at all—that was considered good enough to receive substantial praise? In the days, weeks and months following this event did you have people getting in touch with you (either face to face or virtually), gushing praise and admiration in your direction?
However incredible others will judge your achievement (or ongoing achievements), likelihood is you won’t see what all the fuss is about.
I read recently in Stephen Frys autobiography that, as he was slowly gaining fame, people would come up to him in the street to praise him over the success of his latest television work.
“No, that silly old thing? It’s nothing, really”, he would reply.
Stephen was quickly scolded by a celebrity friend of his, who pointed out that despite him trying his best to sound humble and kind, he was in-fact insulting the very people who had taken the time to come up to him and give him their praise in the first place. “How daft you make them look, telling them the show they loved so much was nothing really.”
Taking that on board, Stephen (as have so many others) learned to offer a simple sincere “Thank you” every time praise is now offered, as after all, you’re not responding to the content of the person coming up to speak with you, but rather the fact that they made that effort at all.
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Whenever you perceive somebody to be on a slightly higher level than you, act as if all things are equal.
Though it’s nice to give our undying praise to somebody if we’ve loved their work for some time; if you want to have a strong, equal, relationship with that person, try speaking to them like a human being. Don’t be rude and brush away their achievements for them, but don’t make gushing over them the focus of the conversation, either.
We are all the same, underneath all the fuss and charades surrounding what we do or don’t do (or what we’ve done or haven’t done).
We are all the same.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Bingo, Ben. I’d add one thing: when your speaking to someone with a hapless automated telephone job or a bureaucratic zombie, speak to them on human terms. They’ve been taught zombie language. I’ve actually started enjoying this: harmless flirtation, self-referential jokes, little iterations that remind them it’s two humans having a conversation.
False humility smells like cheap perfume; pride smells like the guy who showered in CKOne.
The world belongs to those who abide in season and out of season, in the spotlight and in the gutter beneath the Marquee lights.
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I’m all for harmless flirtation. Try to make them mess up their script, they’ll laugh and thank you for it.
You’ve a way with words Mark. There’s a whole story waiting to emerge from the gutter beneath the Marquee lights.
hmm. Maybe. I’ll have to go to sleep dreaming of the guy at peace beneath the Marquee lights. I wonder what he’d smell like, what his SAT scores were, and what he thinks of scene V of Macbeth. Thanks for the idea.
Yes!
Just tell people that you appreciate what they do. (Mark,I love the idea of complimenting) the zombies)
Just say thank you when you receive a compliment.
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Today during my yoga lesson, there was girl playing guitar and harmonica in the street. So my teacher just shut down his zen music CD and opened the windows (It’s strangely quite warm in Montreal for November, yay! for global warming). We continued the lesson listening to this gril’s music. Then when we got out, we all told her thank you.
Sometime unexpected people make you feel little and you just want to send them praise.
Saying a simple “Thank you” when you receive a compliment works so well because it shows you off to be a nice, respectable person (which, of course, you are), and it’s also a way of you expressing your belief that you deserved that compliment, but in a way that you remain humble throughout the interaction.
Picture the scene. That sounds like a hell-a relaxing lesson Manu. Sometimes I listen to a relaxing sounds app when trying to get work done at home (I live on a busy street). Often, during the quieter times of the day, I’ll remove my earphones, and with it the sounds of birds singing, only to realise at that very moment I can hear real birds singing outside my window. I’ll be sure to thank them next time I see them (It’ll give the neighbours a laugh if nothing else).